Funny e-mail

I don't know who originally wrote this, but it was passed along to me & I was given permission to put it here on my blog. 

I got this in an e-mail and couldn't stop laughing so I thought I would share.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal – The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ’Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ’cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (’Cold wax,’ yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!! I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!…. OH MY GAUD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe………… OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There’s NO hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself: ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’ What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!

I get in the tub – The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’ She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care.

IT WORKS!

It works! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE……..ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I’m going to try hair color…

Things have been a bit hectic around here lately ..... so to catch everyone up.....

........ at the end of October we had a minor house fire. I say minor because we were very lucky. Only one wall caught fire  and everyone was okay. We didn't lose any of our belongings (a small perk, in what could have had very devastating consequences). Our home had been having a lot of electrical problems, so we think it might have been faulty wiring or something that caused the fire.

We started packing up our belongings and moved into our new home on November 1st! We love it here. There is a lot more room here & the layout is okay. I hope to remodel it a bit to adjust it to our needs.

The first two weeks of November were very hectic. My daughter had specialist appts almost every other day. Wednesday, November 17th, was her last appt. She had intestinal biopsy's done on both her small and large intestine. Friday, November 19th, we got a call from her specialist. Not only does my baby girl have Short Bowel Syndrome (she's had it since the day she was born), but the biopsy's reveled she also has Celiac Disease.

We went through our entire kitchen and donated all the food that had gluten (wheat, rye, barley) to family & friends. And bought a bunch of gluten free foods. It has taken a bit of getting used to, but it's becoming second nature.

A month worth of meals, yummy.

 Here's my basic meal plan for the next month. I had some of the ingredients on hand already (like some cream-of-wheat, tortillas, some bread, some meats) so my cost was just for my missing ingredients, All-in-all, my grocery bill for the whole month was $150! That's about $50 less than I normally spend :) 

The majority of the grocery bill was for all the fruit :)

I think it went pretty good :)

I didn't plan for a couple days here & there, because those are the days that my kids aren't home (they go to their bio-dad's those weekends), & my husband and I don't usually do lots of cooking on those weekends.

Breakfasts: cream-of wheat, breakfast burritos, Potatoes & chorizo, French toast, Omelets, cereal

Lunch: PB & banana, grilled cheese, PB&J, homemade pizza, Quesadillas,  CF mac & cheese, sandwiches

Snacks: bananas, apples & caramel, grapes, fruit smoothies, animal crackers, oranges, crackers & cheese

Dinner: 

18th: Bow tie Pasta

19th: Tacos

20th: Enchiladas

21st: Crock-pot cream-of chicken

22nd: Goulash

23rd: Breakfast for dinner

24th:Crock-pot Italian chicken and potatoes

25th: Kafta

26th: Hamburgers

27th: Butter pasta and gravy meat

28th: Crock-pot Swiss chicken

29th: Fajitas

30th: 

31st:

1st: Sweet & sour chicken

2nd: Frito Pie

3rd: Bow tie Pasta

4th: Baked Teriyaki chicken

5th: Sloppy Joes

6th:

7th:

8th: Meatloaf

9th: Burritos

10th” Spaghetti Pie

11th: Fajitas

12th: Chicken enchiladas

13th: Breakfast for dinner

14th: Penne Noodles & kielbasa 

* We normally have 5-8 people to feed because my mom, sister & nephew eat over a lot (we do lots of big family dinners)

That's $0.63/day per person (for 8 people)!

October already?

I seems like summer had just barely started & now here we are in October. The weather is really cooling off. This week I hope to unpack the kiddo's clothing from the storage shed and getting the summer clothing ready for storage. I also hope to price replacement pieces for the dryer today after my husband gets home from work =)


Everyone has had a horrible cold lately so there isn't much to deep cleaning today, just a bit of tidying up today (the kiddos have been slowing down too so it's just daily messes like dishes & stuff), but it seems like if I stop and rest then I'll be playing catch up for a week! 


Thankfully, I prepared a weeks worth of meals over this past weekend while my babies were visiting their dad. So it is just thaw/defrost/ reheat the meals this week, so that should ease the stress in the kitchen too =)

Took a bit of a break, but I'm back :)

I had a very difficult & busy month.

First dd got sick & spent a week in the hospital (that alone was stressful in itself), then to make matters worse, it rained/stormed so hard the day she was released that we had a major power outage. It took 7 days for the electric company to get things going again. 

Thankfully all is better now :)

One plus is I'm hoping our electric bill is shorter due to the lack of use (1 week in the hospital & 1 week w/o power).

Another advantage is I found just how far I can go when having to make due without.

We had no lights, so I bought mini solar lights ($7 at Wal-mart) and a few flashlights - and the solar lights were BRIGHT, lol.

I had to buy a few battery operated fans (it was hot & humid that week here in Texas), so no A/C.... but the battery operated fans worked well with the open doors & windows (we live in the country & our nearest neighbor is about 1 mile away). We had one screen door that had to be mended (b/c of the dogs, lol). 

I have lots of mirrors of varying shapes & sizes, so I "redecorated" a bit, lol. After rearranging my mirrors, I was able to use one flashlight to light the kitchen, livingroom & part of the master bedroom :)   I loved science as a kid & used light refraction (I think that's the right term) to help illuminate my home.

We used our outdoor grill everyday :)    We had to give away most of our fridge & freezer contents (mostly meats). But we heated water for coffee, oatmeal, etc on the grill, cooked veggies on there, just about everything. We used mesquite wood that grows wild here, so there was no charcoal cost or anything.

The *best* experience (IMO) was learning when to quit. Normally the housework (cleaning, cooking, lesson plans for my kids, etc) starts when I wake up & throughout the day (with breaks of course) till bedtime. With the power outage, I learned when the sun goes down, it doesn't matter if I haven't detailed the kitchen. I can push spot cleaning the crayon smudges till the next day. Come sunset it's time to relax like DH, lol.

Although I haven't kept ALL the habits, I have kept some (the solar lights, more fan use instead of the A/C,  more grill use - just not for everything, and when to call it quits for the day).

Meal Plan September week 1 :)

A little late... it was a super long weekend ... but here's my meal plan for this week

Monday
Breakfast: Cereal
Snack Broccoli
Lunch PB&J
Snack Fruit smoothies
Dinner Bow-tie pastas
Tuesday
Breakfast: Oatmeal
Snack : Animal crackers
Lunch: Mac & cheese (w/ meat & veggies)
Snack: carrots
Dinner: Frito Pie
Wednesday
Breakfast: cereal
Snack : Fruit smoothie
Lunch: PB&J
Snack: Apples & caramel
Dinner Bow-tie Pasta
Thursday
Breakfast: Breakfast burritos
Snack : Goldfish
Lunch: Mac & cheese (w/meat & veggies)
Snack: Fruit smoothie
Dinner: Crock pot Cream-o-chicken
Friday
Breakfast: Cereal
Snack ; Apples & caramel
Lunch: Grilled cheese
Snack: Fruit smoothie
Dinner: Goulash 




I have all the goodies already in my pantry & freezer! YAY! Total cost for meal plan this week: $0


So what now?
Well, I did go to the grocery store & decided to restock my deep freezer. Although I have enough for my meal plan, I like to keep it well stocked. Plus, knowing I was going for the sole purpose of restocking the deep freezer (& knowing I had everything for this week) it helped curb the impulse to "splurge" or buy junk food.


So this week I spent a bit more than usual. But I bought enough to restock the basics for the month (at least on the meats, which is my biggest budget hurter). I looked for the best sales (esp. the buy 1 [meat item] get 8-9 sides free! at HEB (a local store here in Texas)).


Beef Fajitas (2)
Tyson Fun nuggets (2)
Eye of round steak (2)
BNLS Loin chops (7 pieces/pk  - 2 packs)
Chicken Drums
Salmon (2)
Chicken Breast-Cilantro (2)
Chicken Breast- Teriyaki (2)
Chicken Breast- Lemon (2)
5lb ground beef (2)
BNLS SKNLS Chicken Breast 4lb bags (2)


Re-stocking the deep freezer full of meats for 1 month: approx $100

September!

Well today was the first day of September. It was a wonderful day. The weather is cooling off (still hot here in Texas, but cooling off).


Yesterday I started a big project. I'm cleaning out my storage area behind my home. I got through about 1/2 of it. I spent all day yesterday & all day today sorting, purging, reorganizing & cleaning. A lot of the things in storage were donated to the Salvation Army. It was wonderful. Some of the stuff was brand new, but was put into storage when I first moved here but never had the room to put them. The rest is mainly furniture that I no longer have room for, so that'll be a quick purge (hopefully this weekend)


This year I hope to get an early start on preparing for winter. Last year, we had roughly a week of snow (a couple of days here, a few days there). 


I look around and see what seems like an never-ending list of to-do's. For me it helps to have everything written down (printed from the computer), put into a sheet protector & cross off things as I go (it gives a feeling of accomplishment).


This month (before the weather REALLY starts to cool down) I hope to:

• Touch up the children's bedrooms (I just painted them, but they got messy's & crayon on them already, lol)
• Give my home one more good purge (Winter = Christmas= more clutter)
• Check window seals (last thing I want is to find a leak & be fixing it during a storm)
• Wash windows real good before the rainy weather hits
• Finish bathroom remodeling (ok, more my husband's job, lol)
• Have car checked (I like to get everything checked before the summer & before winter hits)
• Pack up summer clothes & unpack winter clothes. Hem any gently used clothes. Recycle "heavily loved" clothes (dish rags, etc)
• Clean the fridge - a good deep scrub down
• Clean the deep freezer. - I have a stand up deep freezer. But same basic principle. Clean, toss old/frost bitten foods, defrost freezer, re-fill & organize. I also got long (1 wide & a couple skinny) bins. I keep meats in one, frozen fruits in another & frozen veggies in yet another. I also keep extra loaves of breads at the very bottom because the grocery store is a good 30 miles away & that's a good drive for just a loaf of bread, lol
• Pantry - (I just got done with this one earlier (: yay ) - I have a large pantry so I go a bit over board on my pantry organization.  I have a lower level (w/ 2 shelves) & an upper level (also w/ two shelves).The bottom lower level has cereal, pancake mixes, rice, (grains basically). The top lower level shelf has canned veggies on the left & canned fruits on the right (Fruits & veggies level).The bottom upper level has beans, canned tuna, peanut butter (proteins/meats on the right) & evaporate milk/ pediasures/ shelf stable almond milk ("Dairy Group"). The top upper level (furthest from everyones reach too, lol) has cake mixes, frostings, chips, etc ("sweets" group") on the left .... and (not on the food pyrimd) the right side has drinks (juices, teas, etc).